Lord of Columbia’s Characters Have Real-Life Counterparts


Okay, moment of truth. It’s time to admit the soon-to-be obvious as Lord of Columbia: Northern Knights is set to hit the Amazon bookstore.

Lord of Columbia’s characters have real-life counterparts and I’m going to be in more trouble than Matt Stone and Trey Parker in just a few short days. So, I thought it’d be fun to give some vague as hell descriptions pertaining to each Lord of Columbia character.

Now, other than my main protagonist, Cain, everyone else is going to be referred only by their first names. Also note this post isn’t going to reveal anything about the characters themselves, but a vague description on who inspired them without giving away too much information to where I’ll have to testify against myself in federal court.

Shall we begin with Cain Riscattare?

Cain is my main protagonist. He’s an exaggerated version of me. He’s in top shape, has a great physique, and keeps his inner-circle small. He’s kind of arrogant and he loves to taunt his opponents on the playing field. He and I share the same birthday and have the same hairstyle.

Lira is based on several of my singer crushes looks-wise, but has the body of a fit girl. One can say she is a true Libertarian at heart, and a certain YouTube personality may be a better real-life person Lira is based on. Once the reader, and my Libertarian crowd will know in two seconds, gets hint of the girl’s physical features, it’ll be all they need to know.

Micah, Micah, Micah! It’s what Cain would’ve said when he was younger, and what I would’ve said when I was younger. Micah is based off a close friend of mine who one-upped me in everything in our younger days. Wait, a close friend? Of course! I’m younger, so it’s totally acceptable. The dude’s ultra talented.

Blaze is based on another good friend who is a total nice guy but simultaneously a total badass. Don’t try to screw the guy over, that’s all I’m going to say. But, like me he’s harmless unless you give him reason to harm.

Jed is well, a bit of a running gag. Based off another close friend (uh, sort of) a few years younger than myself who I was forced to live with for nearly twenty-two years (I’m twenty-seven).

Asha is the one who hits home. Based on a good friend I knew for a time a few years back who was obsessed with status and material. The girl was a two-way street, but man, she was good looking, I’ll say that. Fun to workout with, too.

Savannah may be the most intriguing. Based on a girl I’d met about twelve times but became friends with for a time. Athletic as hell, this girl still plays sports well into her college days (in mid-collegiate form). But, despite her athletic (and more likely than not) academic talents, I’ve never met a more humble soul in my life.

Clyde is based on a friend of mine who is just kind of…out there. Like, not in a strange way, just in his own way. Sort of quiet and not exactly bright, but nonetheless one with a sense of, and sometimes a dirty sense of, humor.

Ferguson is based on this dude I’d trained a few times. The kid was very twitchy but talked a thousand miles per hour. Now, I do the same, but this kid was on another level. He twitched so much I couldn’t help but laugh when I looked at him. And it wasn’t a physical problem or anything like that, because he was rather athletic. I think he just drank too much espresso in the morning.


Shayna is based on a few people who are my real friends. When I say real, I mean they’re friends that sugar coat nothing and tell it to you like it is. Those are the kind of friends we want.



Adam is kind of funny, because while I based him on all of the negative qualities of today’s politicians, he resembles this boss I had once who I couldn’t stand to a T. So, I’ll just base him off this dude I used to work for and thank the Lord I don’t work for him anymore. Never met a bigger two-face in my life, despite working for them only a short amount of time. Hopefully the dude I based him on reads this. I’d love a good legal battle.

Patrick is based on a dude who came into the gym, threw weights around, broke a few mirrors, yelled at a bunch of people, chugged energy drinks, and never saw results. He was a complete meathead wannabe, and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Ditto for Avi, who is Patrick’s best friend.

Psycho is based on two people, both juiceheads who’d be in a good mood one day, then try to run you over nonstop the next. They loved lashing out at others emotionally, too. It was kind of disturbing, to be honest.

Vince is based on this other dude I knew for a few years who you really never caught a good vibe about. That’s not to say he didn’t have a large inner circle. The dude was popular in my realm of work at the time so much he could do no wrong in the boss’s eyes. And he took full advantage.

Benns was this complete idiot I knew back when, who, well, thought he was a king. No, seriously, the man said things and said them with conviction. And he always had this strange vacant expression and chest rub.

Scotty is based on one of my better friends who wanted to serve as an antagonist so I granted his wish. Scotty is pretty much Cain but more like the anti-Cain.

Robby is based on a guy I never met but would punch him in the face if I did. I know where he works, so the idea isn’t as far fetched as it seems. He’s based on a privileged kid whose parents are absolutely abysmal business people but their status keeps them up with the Joneses in our little community. They reportedly have the largest house in the community and are in bed with the Chamber of Commerce.

Randelo is one of my favorites as he represents all the Libertarian thinkers….as well as a little bit of Albus Dumbledore and Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yeah, he’s a pinnacle.

Suuruus is based on any great leader who used his powers for good. There are about twelve of them in existence throughout world history. I’ll give you a hint: His father is the unseen Emperor over the cosmos.


And guys, as a reminder, if the Browns win, you win. That being said, if you don’t have the money to swing for a new book or are on-edge about taking a chance on a new author, rest assured, I’ll be running free promos on Lord of Columbia upon its release every time the Browns win. When the Browns win, we all win. Keep in mind, they’re 1-34 since December 2015, so these promos might be rare.